Melvin Feller Looks at Why it is Hard to ask for Help from Others

Melvin Feller Looks at Why it is Hard to ask for Help from Others


Melvin Feller Business Ministries Group in Burkburnett and Dallas Texas and Lawton Oklahoma. Our mission is to call and equip a generation of Christian entrepreneurs to do business as ministry. We provide workshops and resources that help companies discover how to do business God’s way. When the heart of a business is service rather than self it can be transformed into a fruitful business ministry earning a profit and being of service to the community and their customers. Melvin Feller is currently pursuing another graduate degree in business organizations.

Why it is Hard to ask for Help from Others by Melvin Feller

I have to admit that I am not big on asking for help. I think part of the reason is that I have always been an independent person. In other words, I like to do things my way without anyone else telling me how to do anything or just plain stubborn until I figure it out on my own.


I think some of my other reasons are common for most people: asking for help may cause others to think I’m weak or incapable; I’m afraid I’ll be turned down by asking for assistance, embarrassing everyone involved; or I just think it will be easier to buckle down and do everything myself.

Why it is Hard to ask for Help from Others by Melvin Feller

Then I read M. Nora Klaver’s book and I had to think twice about not asking others for help. For the first time, I saw that asking for help does not necessarily mean I have somehow lost. Instead, asking for help at the right time, for the right reasons and from the right people can be, as she says, a blessing.


In “Mayday! Asking for Help in Times of Need,” Klaver writes: “The act of asking for help is not only an invitation, it is a declaration, an assertion that we are deserving of assistance. When we venture to ask for what we need, we learn quickly that we are not alone and that there are resources, friends, and partners available to help. Asking for help can also re-introduce us to the beauty and inherent strength of gratitude.”

Why it is Hard to ask for Help from Others by Melvin Feller

At a time when we are all struggling to have work/life balance, Klaver says that asking for assistance may just lead us to a simpler, easier life — one that helps us achieve that balance.


Still, asking for help is not always easy, especially at work. The key, she says, it not to reach out for help as a last resort, mired in desperation. Rather, she says, asking for help should be thought of as a way to help ourselves grow and make meaningful connections with other people.


“People often believe they don’t have trouble asking for help, when they do,” she said. “Sometimes they sit on projects for weeks because they didn’t want to ask for help.”
There are many reasons people fear requesting assistance, primary among them not wanting to seem weak, needy or incompetent.

Why it is Hard to ask for Help from Others by Melvin Feller

Another fear is that if you ask for help, you will be surrendering all control, and that the person you want assistance from will take over the entire project. Even outside the office, sometimes we fear if we ask for help, “We’ll get more than we want or need,” is one of my personal burdens to bear.


Most healthy individuals want to help and need to help and derive pleasure from it. However, if you present that need to the wrong individual, you’ve bought a hovering, patronizing relationship. You have asked for help getting across a stream and they are building a boat.


There is also the fear of what someone is going to ask in return. What is the price? What is it going to cost me?

Why it is Hard to ask for Help from Others by Melvin Feller

No one likes to feel indebted, and asking someone else to come to your aid can shift a relationship’s power balance. Most of us prefer that the situation be reciprocal: I will help you on this report; you help me with this client. I will pick up your child from school; can you have mine over for a play date next week?


The relationship becomes unbalanced in two situations. The first involves those who frequently ask for help but never reciprocate. They need no lessons in asking for help, but rather in giving it.
The second involves those who are more than happy to rush to your aid, but refuse to ever let you return the favor. In theory, it may seem great to have someone who is always willing to lend a hand without needing anything in return, but I know that I personally start feeling uncomfortable with that equation quickly.


When we get into trouble with help is when we do not want equality restored or achieved, and that is something that I have struggled with for most of my adult life.

Why it is Hard to ask for Help from Others by Melvin Feller

Ms. Klaver knows that problem all too well. As with many people, she used to confuse dependence with co-dependence.
In addition, for me, I had created this life of self-sufficiency, and the people I surrounded myself with were takers, especially my ex-wife and her daughter who could or would not raise her beautiful daughter. There came a point when I needed their help and they disappeared. From that point, I said,
 ‘I need to change my life and I need to be comfortable giving and taking.’ I needed to say goodbye to some friends and business associates.”

Why it is Hard to ask for Help from Others by Melvin Feller

Klaver offers numerous tips and suggestions in her book about how, when and why to ask for
help, but I would like to focus on some questions that you can use to get your conversation going when asking for help:

Would you be willing to help me with something? Is now a good time?

I have something I am trying to resolve; can you give me a hand?

I am desperate can you help me please. I would only use this when you know the other person very well.

I am stuck and I cannot see clearly how to resolve this. Would you be willing to help me come up with a few ideas?


In addition, if they are not able to help, ask:

• Can you suggest someone else who might be able to help?

• Do you know anyone who has had a similar suggestion? Do you know how they resolved it?

Why it is Hard to ask for Help from Others by Melvin Feller

After I read this book, I began to think of all the times I helped someone in need. I thought about how great I felt by doing it. In this world of chaos and stress and uncertainty, helping someone else whether it was providing a business contact or offering someone a ride home on a hot summer day made me feel good and more at peace.


Therefore, the next time you need help, do not suck it up and do it all yourself. Spread the blessings around and reach out.


Personally, I think I am prepared for the next time I need help. I will ask early, clearly and concisely, without making the person I ask feel guilty. In addition, if all else fails, there is always cold cash.

Melvin Feller Business Consultant, Business Owner and Graduate Student Candidate in Business Organization

Melvin Feller Business Consultants Ministries Group in Texas and Oklahoma. Melvin Feller founded Melvin Feller Business Consultants Group Ministries in the 1970s to help individuals and organizations achieve their specific Victory. Victory as defined by the individual or organization are achieving strategic objectives, exceeding goals, getting results or desired outcomes. He has extensive experience assisting businesses achieve top and bottom line results. He has broad practical experience creating WINNERS in many organizations and industries. He has hands-on experience in executive leadership, operations, logistics, sales, program management, organizational development, training, and customer service. He has coached teams to achieve results in strategic planning, business development, organizational design, sales, and customer response and business process improvement. He has prepared and presented many workshops nationally and internationally.